Leave it to my cat to be the most staggeringly ridiculous cat in the history of time. This would never happen to anyone else. There would never be such a conflux of space, time and planetary alignment that would allow this to happen to anyone but me and my ridiculous cat.
So, Heifer is a ninja escape artist. He is exceedingly interested in the outdoors, and makes a mad dash every single time the front door opens. This, in itself, is hilarious because he has leftover fat flaps on his underside (he used to be much fatter) that billow back and forth as he runs. It's like he is sweeping under himself as he runs. Without fail, he gets within a couple yards of the house and immediately begins to freak out because he has absolutely no clue what to do next. Then it becomes less about escaping from the house and more about avoiding me catching him. If you were to stalk me, you would see me running down the sidewalk after him at least 3 - 4 times a week, swearing under my breath and trying to look less crazy than I surely do.
Yesterday morning, Heifer completely outdid himself. He went far and beyond the ninja call. No one saw exactly what happened, but I am going to try to recreate the story from evidence collected at the scene, and sleeping earwitness testimony.
Time: Approximately 8:10 am
I left the house with my bike, and Heifer quickly took advantage of the fact that I had no available hands and ran out the door. I tossed my bike and went charging after him. I threw him on the couch and closed the door. In my frazzled haste, I completely forgot to lock the door
Time: Between the hours of 8 am and 10 am
Matt, asleep in bed, hears some commotion coming from outside the bedroom. Knowing that the cats (Heifer and Esme) have a tendency to start turf wars around this hour which involve about 20 - 50 minutes of intense hissing and pouncing (all of which is extremely exciting to watch as they are both scrappy in their own right), Matt dismissed the commotion as them knocking some shit over (not a rare occurrence)
Time: Some time after the aforementioned commotion
Our neighbor Dave is outside our house and sees Heifer just freaking out and having a panic attack in front of the house. He recognizes Heifer immediately from seeing me chase him down the block, scoops him up, and brings him back to our house. He knocks. Matt is still sleeping. He knocks again. He knows us pretty well, so he checks the doorknob. It's open, so he drops Heifer inside and closes the door.
Time: Some time after the aforementioned cat panic attack
Matt wakes up and sees that the screen is missing from the kitchen window. He later finds it lying out on the sidewalk.
Hypothesis:
Esme and Heifer were having a turf war over the rock fountain on the window sill in the kitchen. Having the ability to drink the fresh and bubbling zen water is a hot commodity in our house, and they were fighting with much fervor. It is assumed that Esme went to pounce on Heifer, Heifer jumped back, knocked the screen out, and fell to the sidewalk. This is much worse than it sounds. We live in a raised garden level, so his actual fall was probably only 2 - 3 feet. He has fallen further when he miscalculates his jump from the entertainment center to the side table. I am not concerned about this.
And that is how my cat broke out of the house, fell out of the kitchen window, and almost died from panic. If cats could hyperventilate, I am sure he would have. He talks a big talk about escaping, but knows he has it good in our house.
